Things he never said

I have a few journal entries from the time I left my abusive relationship. Even though the others are full of all the horrible things he did to me, somehow this one breaks my heart the most. I guess it shows how much I’ve missed out on, relationship-wise, and what I so desperately wanted the relationship to be, but never was.

  • I shouldn’t have shouted at you
  • I shouldn’t have sworn at you
  • I’m sorry for treating you like that, there is no excuse
  • You are so beautiful
  • I think you are amazing
  • I am going to go get real help
  • I’m so sorry I made you feel afraid of me
  • You should be able to feel safe and secure in a relationship
  • How can I make it up to you?
  • I understand if you need some space
  • I screwed up, I’m an idiot
  • Can you forgive me?
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2 thoughts on “Things he never said

  1. All the things they never say, and then coupled with the pain and suffering nd fear they inflict upon you makes it even harder to swallow. Or so I read from many other survivors of domestic violence. I am not sure if you will understand then, when I say that I am truly grateful I never heard these lies come out of his mouth, because he did so many truly evil, disparate, cruel, malicious, hateful, devious, painful things to me and put me through so much I never even knew was possible… if I did hear these words, they would only be more lies to forgive myself for. When I left, there was no emotional attachment to him remaining. Only fear, terror, exhaustion, and humiliation.

    I know what it means for you to have to read these words you so deserved to hear from anyone you would consider your partner in life, but hon, they would have been lies, because, as he harmed you as deeply as he did, he obviously was incapable of recognizing and nuturing your worth as a partner, the value of your dignity, self-esteem, and self-respect, and the gift of being loved genuinely by you. You deserve better than having to reconcile more lies. And you deserve to be with someone who cares enough to be honest, loving, giving, compassionate, thoughtful, gentle… to know they, too, have to EARN your love and committment to them, not STEAL it by depriving you of the choices you deserve to make and the love you deserve to receive in exchange for domination, power, coercion, and control.

    • You’re very right – on occasion he did say something along these lines but of course they were complete lies, and I’m sure other survivors heard all this and more, with all of it being lies.

      I guess I wished he said these things and meant them – but if that were the case he wouldn’t have done all the horrible things to me in the first place. It was just my fantasy relationship that I wasn’t having with him. He wasn’t the person I thought he was.

      Thank you for your kind thoughts and wishes for me – I hope you find the love you deserve too. x

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